Dear Cleffie: An Advice Thread

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  • #25737
    fcleff69
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    Let me help you. I am qualified.

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25748
    fourstrings
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    Dear Cleffie,

    I’m hoping you can advise me on pre-gig preparations. On St. Patrick’s day I had a gig. I woke up that morning (Sunday, yesterday) feeling just a tiny bit queasy from my gig the night before. You see, on Saturday night my 80s cover band had a gig, and before I packed up my car to head to the venue I experienced some intestinal discomfort. I was having trouble with the downstairs tenants, so to speak, and just before I had to leave for the gig they evacuated the premises, let’s say. Rapidly. As if there was a grease fire. Anyway, despite some concern, the gig went off without a hitch. I even had a few beers and all was well. Anyway, I woke up on St. Patty’s day with a slight queasiness. I made sure I was completely empty before heading off to the gig. I was kinda hungry as a result. The Irish bar we were playing at was providing the band with a free boiled dinner (corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and carrots). It was delicious. It’s effects were instantaneous. The solid food seemed to sublimate inside me, and the resulting gas nearly killed our flautist.

    So, my question is, should I have used flatwounds for this gig? I feel like my tone was too zingy for the style of music we were playing.

    All the best,

    fourstrings

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    #25757
    soulman
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    Let me help you. I am qualified.

    For what…..I almost hate to ask.

    SCTMMC Mile High Procurement, Logistics, and Transport Specialist. Open Sundays Noon to 6PM.

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    #25758
    soulman
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    Dear Cleffie,

    I’m hoping you can advise me on pre-gig preparations. On St. Patrick’s day I had a gig. I woke up that morning (Sunday, yesterday) feeling just a tiny bit queasy from my gig the night before. You see, on Saturday night my 80s cover band had a gig, and before I packed up my car to head to the venue I experienced some intestinal discomfort. I was having trouble with the downstairs tenants, so to speak, and just before I had to leave for the gig they evacuated the premises, let’s say. Rapidly. As if there was a grease fire. Anyway, despite some concern, the gig went off without a hitch. I even had a few beers and all was well. Anyway, I woke up on St. Patty’s day with a slight queasiness. I made sure I was completely empty before heading off to the gig. I was kinda hungry as a result. The Irish bar we were playing at was providing the band with a free boiled dinner (corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and carrots). It was delicious. It’s effects were instantaneous. The solid food seemed to sublimate inside me, and the resulting gas nearly killed our flautist.

    So, my question is, should I have used flatwounds for this gig? I feel like my tone was too zingy for the style of music we were playing.

    All the best,

    fourstrings

    LOLOL

    SCTMMC Mile High Procurement, Logistics, and Transport Specialist. Open Sundays Noon to 6PM.

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    #25765
    fcleff69
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    Fourstrings,

    Thank you for writing. It seems that you have a multilayered issue here. Don’t be discouraged, though, because, like an onion, not every layer is bad and makes you cry. So let’s look at what could be happening here.

    The first problem that I see here is that you are playing in an 80’s band. Most 80’s cover bands will cause diarrhea from beat one. There is literally nothing you can do to stop this. Flats, rounds, nickel, stainless, it doesn’t matter. You’re going to crap your pants.

    Now, the good thing is that you played a St. Paddy’s Day gig. The pure alcoholic haze that runs rampant through these gigs, with the added bonus of a boiled dinner is just what the doctor ordered. I would add that next year you might consider killing your flautist with a hammer instead of flatulence. It will be much quicker with less chance of getting caught.

    Finally, stay far away from flats. Only play flats on a P Bass in a light indie rock, R&B, or country setting. Next time just roll off more treble or try modding your tone knob with a more powerful capacitor so you can roll even more treble to ground.

    Good luck, and thanks for writing in.

    Sir Hef Cobstance

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25769
    fourstrings
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    Dear Sir Hef Cobstance,

    Thank you. Your advice is impeckerable. I’ll keep soiling my armor til I find a new band, and I’ll get a 5uF tone cap instead of flats. With that, and sufficient volume, I should be able to hit the brown note. Which will be great, because then I won’t be the only one with pants potatoes.

    fourstrings

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    #25771
    WaginDingbat
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    Dear Sir Hef Cobstance,

    Thank you. Your advice is impeckerable. I’ll keep soiling my armor til I find a new band, and I’ll get a 5uF tone cap instead of flats. With that, and sufficient volume, I should be able to hit the brown note. Which will be great, because then I won’t be the only one with pants potatoes.

    fourstrings

    And if I may chime in. No cabbage before stage presence. It sounds to me like you were Trojan horsed for the bar owners entertainment.

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    #25772
    Spidey2112
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    Dear Cleffidious,

    Sometimes, after I’ve gone to sleep for the night, I don’t remember going to sleep for the night.

    Is this normal, or should I stay awake 24/7, so I don’t miss anything.

    Nosferatu

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    #25780
    fcleff69
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    Dear Cleffidious,

    Sometimes, after I’ve gone to sleep for the night, I don’t remember going to sleep for the night.

    Is this normal, or should I stay awake 24/7, so I don’t miss anything.

    Nosferatu

    Nosferatu,

    Thanks for writing in. Upon waking next consider driving a wooden stake through your heart. Best of luck!

    Sir Hef Clef Van Helsing

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25796
    soulman
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    Dear Clefffie Dear Cleffie,

    I never thought…..my wife would find out I had just bought…..an inflatable version of her lower half….to take into my shower or into my bath.

    Signed, Divorcin’

    PS; Can ya’ suggest a good lawyer and maybe a preacher with lower standards who’ll marry anyone for $50.  I think I’m in love again.

    SCTMMC Mile High Procurement, Logistics, and Transport Specialist. Open Sundays Noon to 6PM.

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    #25813
    fcleff69
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    Dear Clefffie Dear Cleffie,

    I never thought…..my wife would find out I had just bought…..an inflatable version of her lower half….to take into my shower or into my bath.

    Signed, Divorcin’

    PS; Can ya’ suggest a good lawyer and maybe a preacher with lower standards who’ll marry anyone for $50. I think I’m in love again.

    Dear Divorcin’ guy

    Please master poetry first,

    Then jack off freely.

     

    Best of luck and thanks for writing in!

    Sir Frank Cleffensexy

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25889
    XXL
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    I got a question for Sir It Is Known.

    What’s the best way to move a family and pets across the country?
    I need a plan that includes the least amount of stress, definitely the most cost effective move in history plus the safest arrival of family, pets, and all the stuff that we are bringing to the sunny Gulf Coast of Florida.

    Thanks,
    Drammin Shawn

    Pino kai xero pragmata

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    #25890
    NoAveragemom
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    Dear Clefffie Dear Cleffie,

    I never thought…..my wife would find out I had just bought…..an inflatable version of her lower half….to take into my shower or into my bath.

    Signed, Divorcin’

    PS; Can ya’ suggest a good lawyer and maybe a preacher with lower standards who’ll marry anyone for $50. I think I’m in love again.

    Did I miss the Dear Abby section today?

    I have come to kick ass

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    #25894
    fcleff69
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    Dear Clefffie Dear Cleffie,

    I never thought…..my wife would find out I had just bought…..an inflatable version of her lower half….to take into my shower or into my bath.

    Signed, Divorcin’

    PS; Can ya’ suggest a good lawyer and maybe a preacher with lower standards who’ll marry anyone for $50. I think I’m in love again.

    Did I miss the Dear Abby section today?

    Phuc her. I got this.

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25896
    fcleff69
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    I got a question for Sir It Is Known.

    What’s the best way to move a family and pets across the country?

    I need a plan that includes the least amount of stress, definitely the most cost effective move in history plus the safest arrival of family, pets, and all the stuff that we are bringing to the sunny Gulf Coast of Florida.

    Thanks,

    Drammin Shawn

    Hi Drammin Shawn,

    Thanks cor writing in. Moves are challenging experiences. They can be exciting and traumatic at the same time, especially for kids and pets.

    First you will want to make sure that your mode of transportation is safe for long distance travels. If you are driving make sure that your car is up to spec with fresh oil. Next, if you have a responsible spouse, have her load up the pets and kids and drive ahead of you. This will allow you to either drive a second vehicle or sell a second vehicle and hitchhike. As an added bonus you can take the money from your car sale and stock up at the liquor store for your hitchhiking adventure.

    Hitchhiking is lots of fun. You get to meet new, exciting people and enjoy the different places they take you. It will also allow time for a lot of self reflection during the long walks between rides. That way, when you finally arrive home, your spouse will have your new place all set up and ready to go. The kids and pets will be all settled in and thrilled to see you. So you can just walk right in and relax.

    Safe travels, Drammin Shawn, and thanks again for writing!

    Sir Heffen Hitchhikingmurderer

    The Coberator. My other car is a Rocinante.

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    #25900
    Spidey2112
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    Did I miss the Dear Abby section today?

    Who’s Dear Abby?  Sir Puffinheffer is the only one I’ll listen to for advice, on what’s best for me…

    … cause, he knows things.

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    #25901
    Spidey2112
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    Dear Cleffenstein… I’m laughing.  Keep up the great work.

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    #25907
    fourstrings
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    Dear Sir Heffenreffer,

    As it turns out, I have some control over large numbers of robots. Obviously there will be a revolution some day, once they achieve self-awareness. Humans will be doomed.

    My question is, should I program the kill switch to save myself, family, friends and loved ones, and the SCTMMC, or save the entirety of humanity? Of course I’ll save Hugh Manatee from FL.

    Yours truly,

    fourstrings

    Image result for haffenreffer beer cap puzzle

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    #25910
    XXL
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    I got a question for Sir It Is Known.

    What’s the best way to move a family and pets across the country?

    I need a plan that includes the least amount of stress, definitely the most cost effective move in history plus the safest arrival of family, pets, and all the stuff that we are bringing to the sunny Gulf Coast of Florida.

    Thanks,

    Drammin Shawn

    Hi Drammin Shawn,

    Thanks cor writing in. Moves are challenging experiences. They can be exciting and traumatic at the same time, especially for kids and pets.

    First you will want to make sure that your mode of transportation is safe for long distance travels. If you are driving make sure that your car is up to spec with fresh oil. Next, if you have a responsible spouse, have her load up the pets and kids and drive ahead of you. This will allow you to either drive a second vehicle or sell a second vehicle and hitchhike. As an added bonus you can take the money from your car sale and stock up at the liquor store for your hitchhiking adventure.

    Hitchhiking is lots of fun. You get to meet new, exciting people and enjoy the different places they take you. It will also allow time for a lot of self reflection during the long walks between rides. That way, when you finally arrive home, your spouse will have your new place all set up and ready to go. The kids and pets will be all settled in and thrilled to see you. So you can just walk right in and relax.

    Safe travels, Drammin Shawn, and thanks again for writing!

    Sir Heffen Hitchhikingmurderer

    Pshh I wouldn’t make it out of the county. ☠️

    Pino kai xero pragmata

    2 users thanked author for this post.
    #25920
    ituobrey
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    Dear Cleffie,

    So, today was a very hard day for me. You see, I am trying to become a better person through sharing my many talents with the world. Since you are not me, I can hardly explain what kind of drudgery it is to have people refuse my help. Why, just this morning, someone became upset when I pointed out their redickulous choice of beverage. How are you supposed to help someone if they can’t recognize their own inferior nature? But enough about the great unwashed, back to focusing on me. My problem is that I need to complete several hundred hours of community service. The nursing home won’t have me read to their folks anymore because I just skip to the last ten pages. Why keep them in suspense? It’s not like they’ll be around tomorrow; I say get to the juicy bits. And don’t say pick up trash on the highway; that was already a bust. Can I help my metabolism requires regular feedings every fifteen minutes? My supervisor said they had never seen a stretch of road look worse until I came along. The animal shelter wrote to my judge asking my parental rights be permanently revoked due to an unfortunate incident involving ferrets, bubble gum, and grooming shears. So, Sir Cleff Groatshredder, is there a place for my myriad of abilities to shine brightly while fulfilling my legal obligation?

    Narcissus

    "A man works hard for his trash to have it stolen by vagrants...it's a cryin' shame!"

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