Amy's Corny Jokes that Are Okay to Tell Your Kids

[armyadarkness]

A New York Taxi picks up a Texan at the airport:

The Texan says, Wow, look at that building! What is it?
The cab driver responds; Yep. it's the Empire State Building. It took decades to complete and many men died while building it!

The Texan responds; We have one just like it in Texas, but it's much bigger, it only took a year to complete, and no one died while building it.

Then the Texan says, Wow! Look at that bridge! What is it?
The cab driver responds, That's the Verrazzano Bridge! It took decades to complete and many men died while building it!

The Texan responds; We have one just like it in Texas, but it's much bigger, it only took a year to complete, and no one died while building it.

Then the Texan says, Wow! Look at that tunnel! What is it?
The cab driver responds, That's the Holland Tunnel! It took decades to complete and many men died while building it!

The Texan responds; We have one just like it in Texas, but it's much bigger, it only took a year to complete, and no one died while building it.

Finally, the Texan sees the Statue of Liberty, and says, Wow! Look at that statue! What is it?
The cab driver looks out the window and says, I don't know. It wasnt there yesterday.

 

[armyadarkness]

A Jewish father and son are walking down the road;

The son asks the Dad... Pop, can I borrow twenty dollars?

The father replies... Ten dollars! What the Hell do you need five dollars for?

 

[4strings]

A piece of corn dies on the battlefield and goes to heaven. St Peter asks, what was your job when you were alive? Corn says, "I was a kernel but I got popped."

 

[armyadarkness]

Heaven is throwing a big party and all of the nuns are asked to help set up.

Giant tables of food, balloons, flowers, games, music...

Finally, Mother Superior says to St. Peter... You never do any of this when a nun dies. How come you're making such a big deal over this Monsignor?

St Peter says, because we never had a monsignor before.

 

[armyadarkness]

While hosting a school event, a fire breaks out at the church.

As the teachers and staff attempt to get everyone out safely, the fire spreads wildly throughout the building.

Mrs Reilly yells out... The building is about to collapse! Fuck the rest of those kids!

The priest replies, there's no time for that. Get OUT NOW!

 

[mktrat]

While hosting a school event, a fire breaks out at the church.

As the teachers and staff attempt to get everyone out safely, the fire spreads wildly throughout the building.

Mrs Reilly yells out... The building is about to collapse! Fuck the rest of those kids!

The priest replies, there's no time for that. Get OUT NOW!

Kid friendly huh? Sheesh.

 

[ituobrey]

Kid friendly huh

Well the priest is more than friendly

 

[armyadarkness]

Kid friendly huh? Sheesh.

My kid is 32

 

[armyadarkness]

lol

 

[armyadarkness]

Besides, it's even funnier if anyone believed I was going to be politically correct. Now im laughing even harder!

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

A man walks into a bar. It's a very special bar: on the top floor of a tall building, with views all around.

He sits down, orders a drink, and strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him:

"This is a nice bar, isn't it?"

"Indeed. It's a very special bar."

"How so?"

"Well you see, the wind outside blows straight up. It's so strong that if you jump out the window, it will blow you right back up."

"No way."

"Yes way."

"Show me."

"Okay."

Guy walks over to the window, takes off his glasses, and jumps out. He drops about 20 stories before he slows down, reverses, and shoots right back up and into the window.

"Holy shit!"

"I know."

"Does it work every time?"

"Totally. Watch."

Guy jumps out the window again, this time dropping about 30 stories before turning around and flying back in the window.

"Will it work for anybody?"

"Sure will."

"Oh man, I gotta try this."

Man jumps out the window, drops 50 stories, and explodes into a lumpy red mist upon impact.

Guy puts on his glasses and sits back down at the bar.

Bartender shakes his head and says: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

 

[ituobrey]

Why did Michael Jackson prefer 29 year olds?

 

[ituobrey]

Why did Michael Jackson prefer 29 year olds?

Because there were twenty of them

 

[ituobrey]

A successful seller of flowers in a small town was dismayed to find one day the nearby monastery had opened an identical shop in his block. In a short while most of his customers had begun to frequent the monastery's place instead of his. All his efforts to dissuade them failed until he enlisted a local leg breaker named Hugh McCafferty, who loudly went into the monastery's shop and destroyed it, making it clear what would happen if he had to return. The shop closed the next day, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

I once walked in on my parents having sex.

It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

Elton John is amazing on the piano but sucks on the organ.

 

[armyadarkness]

What do Michael Jackson and JC Penny's have in common?

They both have young-mens-pants, half off.

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

What do Michael Jackson and tuna fish have in common?

They both come in little white cans.

 

[bonin in the boneyard]

This is what makes it all worth it:

 

[mktrat]

A successful seller of flowers in a small town was dismayed to find one day the nearby monastery had opened an identical shop in his block. In a short while most of his customers had begun to frequent the monastery's place instead of his. All his efforts to dissuade them failed until he enlisted a local leg breaker named Hugh McCafferty, who loudly went into the monastery's shop and destroyed it, making it clear what would happen if he had to return. The shop closed the next day, proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Total groan. Well done.